Aiding and A'Betting: Week Thirteen

Matt Ryan out with turf toe. Michael Turner suffering a high ankle sprain. Jerious Norwood still favoring his hip. And the Eagles coming to town.

No, I'm cool. What, a cigarette? Never actually smoked one bef - fffft. Oh, wow, that is nice. Fffft. I see the draw. Fffft. Ok, where was I? Vick back in town. O-line banged up with Chris Redman starting. McNabb healthy. Playoffs on the line. Winning season on the line.

Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

The picks:

Denver (-5) @ Kansas City. PICK: Denver

Houston @ Jacksonville (PICK). I was down in Jacksonville over Thanksgiving, and my uncle began talking about the Jags' playoff chances. Maybe the snicker was audible, but he suddenly got defensive. They can be great on certain days, a winnable schedule the rest of the way, three straight wins, etc. And then it hit me - he was serious. Sure enough, I soon realized the Jaguars actually have a winning record! Were you told about this? I follow the NFL pretty closely, but would have guessed they were 3-8 if asked a few days ago. Jacksonville would actually be in the playoffs if the season ended today! What the hell. PICK: Jacksonville (obviously)

Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-6 1/2). Game of the week, I guess, but we've entered the part of the season where I lose all interest in the AFC. It's all about Atlanta's playoff race now, and this game doesn't affect anything. PICK: Tennessee

Oakland @ Pittsburgh (-14 1/2). PICK: Pittsburgh

Philadelphia (-5 1/2) @ Atlanta. So Michael Vick returns to the Georgia Dome, in a game I began freaking about 15 seconds after the Eagles acquired him. Now that we're here, just two days away, that's an angle I couldn't care less about. Obviously Vick's invisibility thus far plays a major part, as there's little chance he affects the game's outcome. But I just don't see him adding any electricity to the atmosphere - some people will cheer, some people will boo, but I'm willing to bet 70%+ just sits on their hands with indifference. For most Falcons fans, the important issue is the actual game, rife with playoff implications. The team's two marquee players - Matt Ryan and Michael Turner - will be on the bench, but so will some of Philly's biggest names (Brian Westbrook and Desean Jackson). I've read some fans practically calling this a not-a-chance matchup, but that's foolish. McNabb does ok, Vick does a little more than usual, but Falcons win. PICK: Atlanta

Detroit @ Cincinnati (-13). So my question: When I get to my Falcons seats on Sunday afternoon, will I have to step over the strewn-about bodies of still-schnockered Tide and Gator fans? I certainly would not want the task of cleaning up the Georgia Dome between Saturday night and Sunday morning. As my dad used to say, "That's why you go to college. You dickhead." PICK: Detroit

New Orleans (-9 1/2) @ Washington. That whole "Falcons will win the NFC South" thing I said a few months ago? About that. PICK: New Orleans

Tampa Bay @ Carolina (-5 1/2). Well, thanks to Stanicek for sending me this link, and causing me to waste my entire morning compiling my "Best Movies of the Decade" list. I'm sure I will be slapping it up here at some point over the next month, but now comes the unenviable task of editing myself. My initial scribblings produced almost 100 titles, and I have neither the time nor the inclination to do that much work. So 50 best? Thirty best? And do I put Rambo as high as I think I want to (it's already my most rewatched movie of the decade)? THE DECISIONS. PICK: Tampa Bay

St. Louis @ Chicago (-9). So obviously, I have been following the lazily-named "Climategate" scandal with great interest. I'm one of those dastardly deniers, and am thrilled the rest of the world is beginning to wake up. And while the leaked e-mails' importance is arguable, they have proven one thing beyond a doubt: "global warming" is most definitely a political issue, not an environmental one. Because if you truly believe man is making the planet warmer and this will lead to catastrophe, wouldn't you treat these e-mails as good news? You know, like, maybe this awful stuff isn't happening after all? What I've heard from the warming faithful, though, is gnashing, disbelief and anger. It's like learning you don't actually have cancer, and getting angry about it. "But doctor, you told me I was dying, and I believed it! Dammit!" PICK: St. Louis

San Diego (-13 1/2) @ Cleveland. PICK: San Diego

San Francisco @ Seattle (PICK). Awesome. Oh, and completely frightening and gross. PICK: San Francisco

Dallas (-2 1/2) @ NY Giants. Whoever loses, Atlanta wins. PICK: NY Giants

New England (-4) @ Miami. PICK: Miami

Minnesota (-3) @ Arizona. NBC "flexed" Vikings-Cards into its Sunday night broadcast two weeks ago, meaning they punted their original game and brought in a more ratings-friendly one. And yeah, Favre - I know. But this game is between two mostly-cemented division winners, and holds next to no drama. At least not nearly as much - and you knew this was coming - as the Falcons-Eagles game! Real playoff implications, seasons on the line, Vick back in Atlanta, but we have to cowtow to #4 and all. I hate that guy. PICK: Minnesota

Baltimore @ Green Bay (-3). PICK: Baltimore

Last week: 6-10-0
Overall: 95-80-1

Aiding and A'Betting: Week 13 (Thursday)

Oh man, I just haven't been able to focus on the rest of the NFL schedule. I mean, look at this matchup!

The picks:

NY Jets (-3) vs. Buffalo. The Jets! The Bills! Thursday night football! From Toronto! THIS IS AS CLOSE TO THE MEANING OF LIFE AS WE GET, FOLKS. PICK: Buffalo

Quarter Back: November 1984

Quarter Back is a monthly feature looking back at the movies of 25 years ago. One movie will be watched for the first time, one will be revisited.

Wait, the calendar still says November, right?

As stated above, I choose two movies to feature every month - one I've seen, one I haven't. I enjoy the selection process, because certain titles always jump out; something I've always wanted to see, something I haven't thought about in years.

Most of the time.

Ladies and gentlemen, November 1984 was not a great month at the movies. Sure, a horror franchise for the ages was born (no, not Silent Night, Deadly Night), but as you'll see below, the selection was sparse. And so two Netflix DVDs sat on my TV for weeks, until I practically willed myself to watch them.

That's why the November entry is showing up on December 2nd. Because watching these two movies were blog homework, and I hate homework.

Featured Movies



No Small Affair
Seen it before?: No.
Release date: November 9, 1984
Actors: Jon Cryer, Demi Moore, Tim Robbins
Director: Jerry Schatzberg (The Panic In Needle Park, Street Smart)
Box office: $5.0 million (#111 in 1984)

No Small Affair was a teen film trying to be all things to all people, wedging itself between two early '80s genre types: "profane titty comedy" (Porky's, Private School) and "thoughtful mediation on being a teenager, but also with titties" (Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Risky Business). And as usual, when you try to do two things with equal grace, you end up failing at both.

Jon Cryer plays a thoroughly unlikable kid who takes pictures of boats, trash cans, sidewalks, or whatever dumbass thing to express his inner angst. Think Wes Bentley's American Beauty character, but uglier and thus more prone to ridicule. On one of his photo-taking excursions, he accidentally snaps a picture of wayward musician Demi Moore and falls in lust. Then it's a wacky stalkerish adventure to find the mystery girl and, I don't know, act awkward around her or something.

Spoiler alert: They end up having sex in the single most unconvincing "these two people would have sex" scene in movie history. And all we get is Demi's side boob. Mid-eighties, and just side boob. This movie sucked. Grade: D



Missing in Action
Seen it before?: At some point, but it's blending together with the sequels.
Release date: November 16, 1984
Actors: Chuck Norris, M. Emmet Walsh
Director: Joseph Zito (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Invasion U.S.A.)
Box office: $22.8 million (#46 in 1984)

This column has finally taught me something.

In the back of my mind, I'd always assumed Missing In Action was a ripoff of Rambo: First Blood Part II. Muscle-bound vets go back to 'Nam and free their brothers-in-arms. However, this Chuck Norris film showed up in November '84, while Stallone's wasn't released until May '85. Well, how about that. (However, this doesn't change that Missing In Action's poster clearly apes First Blood's - I mean, they're holding THE EXACT SAME GUN).

Anyway, yeah, so that's the story. Norris is Colonel James Braddock, home after a 10-year stint as a Vietnam prisoner of war. After an hour of talky, boring scenes, he heads back into the jungle to bring his boys home. Or something. I don't know, I already forgot - but don't blame me, I watched the movie last night.

Looking over Norris's iMDB profile, I'm surprised I've never seen one of his movies, other than this, or maybe its first sequel. Even as a kid, I wasn't a fan of cheap-o action flicks where a guy would take on 100 armed dudes and never get shot (Commando is an exception to this rule). It rang stupid then, it rings stupid now - and Missing in Action is very, very stupid.

A weird bit of trivia: this was actually filmed AFTER 1985's Missing in Action 2: The Beginning. However, the producers realized Missing in Action was the superior film, so they released it first and made the other one a prequel. So yes, knowing this is the "better" film means I won't be revisiting this series again any time soon. Grade: D

Other films 25 years old this month:

Falling in Love - When I was a kid, I remember looking at certain movies and thinking, "What kind of person would want to see that?" Agnes of God. A Passage to India. Two of a Kind. This Robert De Niro/Meryl Streep romance was on that short list, and I swear, 25 years later I still can't see the draw. And as it's probably the least remembered film of their respective careers, I can't imagine it being any good.

Just the Way You Are - Kristy McNichol, in what would be her last lead role, plays a handicapped girl who finds love on the ski slopes. So yeah, add this to the "what kind of person would want to see that" list.

The Killing Fields - This true story about a New York Times journalist in Cambodia was almost my "never seen it" selection for the month, but I wasn't crazy about watching a heavy 2.5-hour drama. Turns out it would have been less depressing than No Small Affair.

A Nightmare on Elm Street - It's truly bizarre that movies from my childhood are already being remade. A brand new Nightmare - not a sequel, but a redo of the original - hits theaters on 4/10/10. At least they're not remaking Falling in Love with Dane Cook and Drew Barrymore.

Night of the Comet - Saw this a number of times back in the day, and remember liking it - two high school girls survive when 99.999% of the human race is wiped out by Halley's Comet (seriously). They have to battle cannibal zombies and evil scientists, in-between trips to the now-barren mall. I'm afraid to revisit this one, in case it's not as 100% awesome as I remember.

Oh God, You Devil! - George Burns stars in this third and final Oh God! film (until next year's Wilford Brimley-starring remake, which would rule if I hadn't made it up). In this one, Burns plays - get this - God and the Devil. What will those crazy Hollywood folk come up with next?

Razorback - Never heard of this one. According to imdb: "A wild, vicious pig terrorizes the Australian outback." Notable, I guess, as the feature debut of director Russell Mulcahy, who would go on to helm such classics as Highlander, Highlander II: The Quickening and The Shadow.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - A department store Santa goes on an axe-wielding murder spree. You know, maybe I was too hard on November '84. And would the original title - Slay Ride - have been even better?

Supergirl - Ah, the curse of heightened expectations. The poster (which inexplicably reverses the Statue of Liberty) promises this to be her "first" adventure - which, I guess, is technically true but not what they were intending. In fact, Helen Slater's turn in the red cape would be her one-and-only outing, and helped kill the already decaying '80s Superman franchise. This, however, was not as bad as the worst movie ever made.

Quarter Back: October 1984
Quarter Back: September 1984
Quarter Back: August 1984
Quarter Back: July 1984
Quarter Back: June 1984
Quarter Back: May 1984
Quarter Back: April 1984

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Twelve

I'm putting a picture of the new A-Team here for no reason, other than it's awesome. Yes, that's Liam Neeson as Hannibal (along with Bradley Cooper, some MMA fighter who looks the part, and the guy from District 9 as Murdock). In theaters 06/11/2010. Click to embiggenfy.

Oh Thanksgiving, you pesky bastard.

As I have for the past 33 late November holidays, I'll be driving south. Florida is always the destination, though the particular city revolves between my mom and her two sisters. One year: Jacksonville. The next year: Melrose (think Gainesville). The next year: Palatka (think Mayberry on meth). And Jax is where I'm headed as you quickly skim this. It's not quite the same as Georgia-Florida football weekend, when the city's average age is roughly 19. I'd guess it will be around 68 over the next few days, so no trips to The Landing for me. Bingo, maybe.

The picks:

Green Bay (-11) @ Detroit. It's my annual Thanksgiving ritual: go to Florida, eat some ham and mashed potatoes with mustard (turkey is too dry), drink some beer, curse the NFL for not ending Detroit's stranglehold on Thanksgiving, watch a boring Lions game. For some godawful reason, the Lions always take the field on Turkey Day, and they haven't given us a compelling game in quite awhile. And, of course, a few days after I become interested in the Lions for the first time EVER, the reason I'm interested will be standing on the sideline. Happy Thanksgiving. PICK: Detroit

Oakland @ Dallas (-13 1/2). Hell, the Cowboys - the other regular Thanksgiving team - haven't been much better in recent years. And what was the NFL thinking pairing them with Oakland on the national stage? Great, so we're stuck with two day games with double-digit spreads, bound to only raise the pulse of douchenuts (namely, Cowboys and Raiders fans) nationwide. PICK: Oakland

NY Giants (-7) @ Denver. Thanksgiving night does give us a halfway interesting matchup, but only for the purpose of rooting against New York. Hell, Falcons fans have a legitimate interest in all three games (boo Packers, boo Cowboys, boo Giants), but this seems to be the only realistic shot at gaining playoff ground. But a realistic weak shot. PICK: New York

Indianapolis (-3) @ Houston. PICK: Indianapolis

Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-14). Not that anybody really reads this blog anymore - month-long dry spells will do that to a nice guy - but the world has missed two of The Great Headlines Of All Time this week. Seriously, "Staff infectious" and "Ginger ailing" would have easily gotten me a Society of Professional Journalists award, or whatever the hell that thing I won in college was. (Wait, did I win? Or get honorable mention or second place or something? I don't remember.) Anyway, my hilarity knows no bounds. Or so I keep telling myself in this grand echo chamber. PICK: Cleveland

Chicago @ Minnesota (-10 1/2). PICK: Chicago

Washington @ Philadelphia (-9). Oh, I got so close that Redskins-over-Cowboys upset prediction last week. So close. If only Washington didn't, you know, suck. PICK: Washington

Miami (-3) @ Buffalo. PICK: Miami

Seattle (-3) @ St. Louis. Man, I almost had a great storyline here. Last week, I whined about all three aspects of my NFL season going down the drain: real team (Falcons), fantasy team (Berman Stroke Hopers), picks record (11-18 over the previous two weeks). Well, the BSHs rallied under pressure, winning by 53 points. And as you can see below, I had my best 2009 week against the spread. Only, if only, Jason Elam could kick a field goal or Michael Jenkins could catch a ball, I'd be completely rejuvenated. PICK: St. Louis

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-12). Alright, here we are folks - I'm picking against Atlanta. Now don't mistake this for me being down on the team. Actually, I'm probably one of the more positive Falcons fans out there, as I put the chances of playoffs at a bit over 50%. But Atlanta is banged up, coming off a long road trip, and has a suddenly unreliable kicker. I don't see a problem winning, but the spread is too high. PICK: Tampa Bay

Carolina @ NY Jets (-3). This one might break interception records. PICK: Carolina

Jacksonville @ San Francisco (-3). PICK: Jacksonville

Arizona @ Tennessee (PICK). PICK: Tennessee

Kansas City @ San Diego (-13 1/2). PICK: Kansas City

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore (PICK). PICK: Baltimore

New England @ New Orleans (-3). As much as it pains me to say, this is the regular season game of the year. But really, that doesn't hurt nearly as much as this will: "G-g-g-go. Go P-P-Patr-Pat-Patrio-Patriots." Ugh, I need to take a bath. Somebody get me lye and hydrochloric acid. PICK: New England

Last week: 11-4-0
Overall: 89-70-1

Staff infectious

I was fairly non-plussed about Matthew Stafford during his UGA days. A search of this blog reveals very few pre-draft mentions, which basically means I didn't have anything negative to say, but wasn't overflowing with reverence either (and also that I'm not about to write significantly about college football, considering the plethora of more-informed voices). I just felt he saw Georgia as an annoying bump on his path to the NFL, and probably docked him a few points for it.

Of course, if that was the way he felt, it's hard to argue with now. Especially as of November 22nd around 4 p.m., when I officially became a Matthew Stafford fan. He really performed a miracle, and I'm not even talking about the literal last-second heroics. He actually made me care about another football game, just minutes after having my psyche destroyed by a Falcons overtime loss. There I was, pitcher almost empty, wallowing, wallowing, wallowing - and suddenly caring about two 1-8 teams crossing the finish line.

If you haven't seen the highlights, check them out here.

And let Peter King tell it:

An injured player who leaves the field has to sit for at least one play -- unless there is a charged timeout by either team. Stafford knew. And he immediately began trying to get up, but the doctors kept telling him, basically, to hold on, hoss -- he wasn't authorized to go back in. But Stafford got up and weaved his way onto the field, telling offensive coordinator Scott Linehan to call a pass play if he wanted, because he had one play left in him.

"Only one,'' Stafford said. "But I knew I had one. I had the adrenalin going.'' He jogged onto the field and Culpepper jogged back off.

Meanwhile, Schwartz hollered at his medical staff: "Is he good to go?'' And one of the doctors said no, and Schwartz asked what was wrong, and the doc said he didn't know because they hadn't had time to examine him yet.

"The kid put himself back in the game,'' Schwartz said.

Lord knows what the Browns thought the wounded Stafford would call, but tight end Brandon Pettigrew, a fellow first-round pick in 2009, ran a short square-in at the back of the end zone, and Stafford flicked it to him. Ballgame.

"His best play wasn't the last play, or the second-to-last,'' Schwartz told me. "His best play was eluding four of our medical guys to get back onto the field.''

Now reports show Stafford was suffering a separated shoulder during that last play, which puts him squarely in crazy-as-Mel-Gibson-in-Lethal-Weapon-2 territory. Not a bad place to be.

Ginger ailing

I'm really struggling with this one.

Laugh, don't laugh. To laugh, not to laugh. It's awful, but dammit, it's funny.

Any direction would be greatly appreciated.

Aiding and A'Betting: Week Eleven - Episode II

The wheels are coming off. And sadly, I'm not sure which part of my NFL season that refers to.

There's my actual team, the Atlanta Falcons. Even though I predicted them to be 5-4 at this point, I'm still disturbed they're actually 5-4. While 2008 was light on injuries, the team has been smashed this year. First and second round picks Peria Jerry and William Moore: out for the season. Scorching receiver Harry Douglas: out for the season. RB Michael Turner is, of course, out anywhere from a game to the rest of the year, while position mate Jerious Norwood has already missed a month. And this week's injury report reads like a Who's Who of the Falcons: Turner, Norwood, Brian Finneran, Erik Coleman, Roddy White.

Unfortunately, another team has been battling similar injury issues: The Berman Stroke Hopers, my fantasy squad. Leading tackler D'Qwell Jackson and running back Ronnie Brown, done for the year (Brown hurts especially bad, as I just traded for him just two weeks ago). RB Brian Westbrook and DE Terrell Suggs are likely on the shelf, as well. Jay Cutler isn't technically hurt, but he's playing like a paraplegic. Now I'm still in second place, because I kick ass, but I simply pine for what might have been. But I did just trade for Matt Ryan, which couldn't possibly be heart over head.

And finally, my dream season of picking games is crumbling around me. Just two weeks ago, I was batting .582 - enough to scare any casino. Alas, with an 11-18 record over the past 14 days, I'm on a downward spiral. I mean, .541 ain't the direction I want to be going in. This might be my last chance to plug holes before going under.

The picks:

Buffalo @ Jacksonville (-8 1/2). The football equivalent of Tylenol PM. PICK: Jacksonville

Cleveland @ Detroit (-3 1/2). Mohamed Massaquoi vs. Matthew Stafford. So at least UGA fans have something to pay attention to, even if nobody else does. PICK: Detroit

Indianapolis (-1) @ Baltimore. Captain Obvious alert: Peyton Manning is nasty good. I mean, he should win two MVPs this year - the Colts are 9-0, but very honestly could be 1-8 without him. I can't think of another player - ever - who has been more singularly valuable to a team. Of course, Falcons/Giants is my game of the week, but I'm really, really looking forward to this one as well. PICK: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh (-10) @ Kansas City. PICK: Kansas City

San Francisco @ Green Bay (-6 1/2). So I did get a good 10 seconds of face time with Stephen King last week, exchanging partial sentences and a handshake. He was in town for a book signing, and I only had to wait four short hours for him to scribble his name on the title page. WORTH IT. And hey, we even took a picture together!



Sort of. (I would have smiled, but didn't think my handheld-while-walking iPhone picture would even work that well). PICK: Green Bay

Seattle @ Minnesota (-10 1/2). PICK: Minnesota

Atlanta @ NY Giants (-7). When I was a college freshman, and far more interested in being respectable than I am now, I spent Sunday nights in Christian surroundings - at church, at fellowship, at Bible study, etc. A number of years later, a friend recalled she would avoid me if the Falcons had lost that day (and in 1994, that was quite a lot). Apparently I couldn't just shrug off the disappointment, and tended to carry it around for a few hours afterward, extending the misery to those around me. Well, I hadn't thought of that in a long time, until last Sunday. When the game was obviously lost for the Falcons, Maya announced her Sunday night plans - or at least, what she wasn't doing that night. "I'm not hanging out with Josh. He'll be in a bad mood the rest of the night." It's nice to know I've matured over the years. PICK: Atlanta

Washington @ Dallas (-11). Perhaps it's the liquor talking (it is after 12!), but a distinctive "upset" odor emanates from this one. No, it's probably the liquor. PICK: Washington

New Orleans (-11) @ Tampa Bay. One of my co-workers is a very sweet older woman, a regular churchgoer, and about one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. She always makes sure to ask me about my weekend football plans, even though I'm certain she couldn't care less. But today she surprised me a bit when, in her sweet southern lilt, she says, "Lord, I hope somebody just beats the shit out of the Saints." She's awesome. PICK: New Orleans

Arizona (-9) @ St. Louis. PICK: St. Louis

NY Jets @ New England (-10). Know how I know you're hardcore? You steal an idea from Fight Club, and make Tyler Durden look like a pussy in the process. Seriously: "Mejia said Castillejos recounted how the gang cut off its victims' heads, arms and legs, removed the organs, then suspended the torsos from hooks above candles that warmed the flesh as fat dripped into tubs below." I want to see a list of that club's rules. PICK: New England

San Diego (-3) @ Denver. At what point does a still-alive Andy Kaufman pop out from behind a curtain and go, "No, really you guys - we're just fucking with you." PICK: San Diego

Cincinnati (-9) @ Oakland. So as mentioned above, I traded for Matt Ryan this week - leaving me with Ryan, Carson Palmer and Jay Cutler on my roster. Obviously, Cutler is dead to me. And I know I should be starting Palmer this week against the Raiders - but I really want to start Ryan. Head or heart. Head or heart. Head or heart. PICK: Cincinnati

Philadelphia (-3) @ Chicago. We all know the answer to that one. Because I'm an idiot. PICK: Philadelphia

Tennessee @ Houston (-4 1/2). For the second week in a row, ESPN has gotten cutesy with their Monday Night Football selection, and come up with a less-than-stellar game. It was Browns @ Ravens last week. Browns vs. old Browns - get it!? Now we get Old Oilers vs. Team That Plays in the Oilers' Old City! Well, the MNF ship will certainly be righted next week with New England in New Orleans (oh, that sounds a little cutesy in itself). PICK: Tennessee

Last week: 6-10-0 (including last night's game)
Overall: 78-66-1